A few thoughts on Marriage and Divorce and Remarriage
Leaving this here.
I’ve been working on a theology of divorce and
remarriage…many of the sections are titled with a word that starts with the
letter A.
Adultery
The oft
quoted and cited Matthew 19:9
But in
context Matthew 19:1-12…Jesus appeals to the creation ideal as preventing
divorce for any reason (vs 4-6)…but then recognizes in a sinful world we are
all “hard hearted” people, so divorce (and remarriage) is necessary and
permitted (vs 8, 9). The disciples
understand and conclude that perhaps it is better not to marry (vs 10) and then
Jesus speaks about the people who are born or made sexually unable to copulate
or procreate. This passage on eunuchs is
just beginning to be understood for its
implications with our love and care for the LGBTIAQ people of the world; especially
our intersex and transgender family, friends and neighbors.
Abuse
Ephesians
5:25-32
Failure to
love “as Christ loved the church.” vs 25 – Sacrificial Love
Failure to
love her body as his own body. vs 28
No man
husband hates his own flesh (vs 29) but he displays hatred for her flesh by
abuse?
Failure to
nourish and cherish her…as he does himself. vs 29
Abuse can
be physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, financial, social, etc.
If he hits
and beats her….
If he
isolates her from family and friends…
If he
belittles her in private or public…
If he plays
mind games…
If he says
“It’s my money” rather than “our money.”…
If he
adopts a lifestyle she didn’t see coming…(alcohol use/abuse for example)
98.99% of
the time it is the male “strong vessel” that abuses the female “weaker vessel.”
I would
tell a woman coming to me with the trauma of an abusive relationship… “The
first time he hits you; is the last time he touches you.” Get safe.
Many women die each year at the hands of their abusive boyfriends and
husbands.
See: 1 Corinthians 7 – Study/Read the whole chapter…and find
meaning and purpose for marriage then and now from the suggestions of
Paul. Be careful…for if you conclude
that Paul insists on celibate singleness for the end-time saints (then and
now)…then there is to be no marriage…for the last 2000 years, since he inked
those words. And then how would the
human race have survived? Is the mandate
“be fruitful and multiply” still valid?
Is it still “not good for humans to be alone?” and all that.
Abandonment
1 Corinthians 7:10-16
Paul encourages the believing spouse to stay in their relationships.
vs 12-14.
In Adventism, we are mandated as pastors to not conduct
marriages for interfaith relationships. An Adventist that eats haystacks and
has a sundown calendar on the refrigerator may have turmoil with a Baptist that
eats porkchops or a Lutheran that watches college football. True. But then we will make an interfaith
marriage in the baptistery at the close of our evangelistic meetings…when one
member decides to be baptized…the other one doesn’t.
Perhaps that is what Paul was dealing with. A former Jewish couple is now changed, when one of them accepts
Jesus as the Messiah, the risen one who was to come. A former Pagan, Gentile couple is now
changed, when one of them accepts Jesus as the Messiah. In Corinth, there must have been many
interfaith marriage: a believer with a non-believer. Well…what to do then?
He invites the believer to stay in the marriage, and if the
unbeliever consents to still live with their spouse, even though they have this
new “Christian” faith and lifestyle. (“Wait…you want to give how much of “our”
money to the poor fund in Jerusalem!) then by all means…stay together, work it
out. For the believer sanctifies (brings
holiness and God) the home, the spouse and the children. (vs 14)
But what happens to that Christian spouse when their
unbelieving spouse leaves?
Abandonment. (“Wait…You are NOT
circumcising my son! You want to do what
on Saturdays now?...) If the unbelieving
one leaves…let them leave. The brother
or sister is NOT UNDER BONDAGE IN SUCH CASES. (VS 15). (Emphasis mine)
I interpret this to mean that that suddenly single spouse
that follows the Savior…would be free to remarry someone who would love them
again…and also love God…and their kids.
Abstinence (Sexual)…that is chronic and longstanding
(Sexual Incompatibility)
1 Corinthians 7:1-5
Paul advocates singleness as the
ideal end-time living arrangement vs 1 (and vs 7, 8 & 26) – Thanks, Paul!
But because of the sexual drive of
humanity and because of immoralities, he concedes that getting married is O.K.
– vs 2 – Thanks, Paul!
Paul teaches that each partner in
the marriage has a “duty” to be a meaningful and fulfilling sexual partner. vs
3: Both are entitled to getting their
needs for pleasure and intimacy met by their spouse. – Thanks, Paul!
Paul teaches that when you get
married…you don’t have authority over your own body anymore. vs 4.
The implication is that all of one’s sexual capacity belongs to the
other. He has rights to her
genitalia…and She has rights to his. –
Thanks, Paul!
Paul teaches that there should only
be brief times of sexual separation – sexual fasting – during times of prayer,
for example…but then “come together”, lest Satan tempt you to look elsewhere
for sexual fulfillment. vs 5. – Thanks, Paul!
Alcohol
1 Timothy 3:3 (1 Timothy 3:1-13 Read the whole section and apply these
character qualities to marriage…and see what you come up with.)
While this is in the context of counsel for overseers/elders
in the church…it is applicable to good spouse behavior.
Above Reproach
Monogamous
temperate
Prudent
Respectable
Hospitable
Able to Teach
Not addicted to wine vs 3 (or tobacco or drugs)
Alcohol has
ruined millions of marriage relationships.
Not pugnacious
Gentle
uncontentious
Free from the love of money
Good management skills
a history of belief/faith (not a new convert)
good reputation inside and outside the church
These are all good things to have in any spouse too – male
or female.
In Summary:
1 Peter 3:7
When a man lacks understanding of his wife.
He fails to build her up as the “weaker vessel”
Granting her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life
-
His prayers are hindered.
When a man does things that cause his prayers to be
hindered…
When even God stops listening to him…certainly it is likely
that his wife stopped listening before that.
And while God may hear his confession and grant
forgiveness…sometimes it is too much and too late to expect the wife to grant
forgiveness.
Why do we always expect the wronged partner to forgive…when
we often don’t expect the wronging partner to change the way they are living
and relating? Part of the double
standard, male preference and male dominated culture of the patriarchy handed
down to us by the male headship of old and the resurgence of male headship
ideology today.
vs 8 –
Be
harmonious
sympathetic
kindhearted
humble
When a husband or wife is not this…it could be over.
Cruelty
Breaking of Trust
Controlling
Domination
etc, etc, etc.
When a husband or wife is this…it will likely end soon.
I’m not talking a one time thing….
But over time; harmful actions, words and behaviors can and
do break the bond of love and wound the soul of the other. When this happens, divorce often occurs.
The breaking of the marriage vow includes
more than a physical act of joining body parts in a bed
(Though it certainly includes that.)
It is a breaking of the marriage promise.
To be faithful.
To love
To honor
To cherish
When love dies…the marriage is over.
Then…Of course…the two partners are free to remarry.
Remember a wife couldn’t divorce her husband in the Bible
era.
She was property…bought for with a dowry/bride price given
to her father.
Fact is divorce happens.
Be nice to divorcees.
Stop trying to figure out who is “guilty” or “the offender.”
Be gracious and forgiving to all.
The pain of divorce carries it’s own consequences…
the good
saints in the church need not make it any worse
in the fellowship of the faithful.
That is all.
A few of my thoughts.
Hey…I’m not writing a book here.
